It was only a year ago that Nate and I started the process for becoming foster parents. Less than three months later we received our first placement. And much like welcoming a new baby for the first time, becoming foster parents rocked our world.
Our normal lives suddenly involved so many new dynamics I felt like I was in a constant state of dizziness. Court dates. Social workers. Home visits. Interactions with birth parents. ISPs. Multiple government buildings. It was overwhelming to say the least – not to mention there was a tiny new life we were responsible for. Our family of four became a family of five in the blink of an eye. I had about 36 weeks to prepare for my first two babies. We got a 36 hour notice for The New Chick.
If not for dozens of friends and our supportive family, I’m not sure we would have navigated those early weeks unscathed. Looking back, there were some specific things others did that made the adjustment much easier.
Here are some ways to offer support to new and prospective foster parents:
1) Offer to help get their home ready. Part of the liscensing process is having a home inspection. This is a busy time as prospective foster parents work to install safety latches, fire extinguishers, stair rails, cabinet locks and all manner of safety equipment. Not to mention that most new foster families are rearranging rooms and furniture to accommodate new children. Offering to help with these projects would be a huge help. Make it a group project by involving your Bible study pals or Sunday School class.
2) Spend time with biological children. The day we welcomed our first placement, a dear family friend came over to help care for Titus and Anna. While we were busy with the new baby, this sweet lady focused solely on the big kids. What could have been a very difficult evening for them turned out to be positive because they had the undivided attention of a beloved friend. Since then, there have been numerous times that church friends and family offered to spend time with Titus and Anna. Having that connection with trusted adults has helped eased this transition for them. Offer to take the biological kids to the park or another outing so they get some time focused on just them.
3) Share your used baby gear, age appropriate toys, and clothing. Ya’ll. I seriously had one thing the weekend we found out we were getting The New Chick. A crib. That’s IT. No car seat, no baby clothes, no bottles no NOTHING. But some amazing gal pals saved the day by bringing every necessity. Another friend went and bought diapers, wipes, and baby detergent. Most foster families don’t have much notice and can’t possibly be prepared for every age and gender scenario. Offering your used items is much appreciated. Or, buy a gift card and let the foster family buy what the children need.
4) Offer to Babysit. An ongoing need for ALL foster families is babysitters. Find out what is necessary to babysit foster children in your state and do it! There are few things that refresh Nate and I more than a few hours away together. And it always ends up be refreshing to our children as well! These kids need lots of loving people in their corner.
5) Be understanding. Becoming a new foster family is overwhelming and demanding. For a while, I pulled back from church commitments and away from relationships so I could focus on taking care of a newborn and helping our bio kids adjust. It took time for us to figure out our new normal. Be understanding of the demands placed on foster families and give them space to navigate their new lifestyle. Lower your expectations for what they can manage. If they are on nursery rotations at church, offer to fill in for them. Communicate that you’re available in these and other ways if they need you.
6) Take them a Meal. Foster families navigate tons of emotions, meetings, and appointments. Having a night off from cooking is an incredible blessing! And it’s a double bonus if you take the food in disposable pans and offer paper products with the meal.
Foster care is hard. But you can make a huge difference in how hard by offering loving support.
*Fellow foster families, what other ways to support would you add to this list? How have others ministered to you?
I have been searching for websites/pins/ blogs and nothing popped up till I just read your story. We took in a 13 week old baby boy last Nov and still have him. We aren’t “ Official” Foster parents. VERY long story but we never know what the next court date will hold for us… We just got word that the mother after a year has decided to start going to Parenting Classes. I’m a WRECK I assumed she wouldn’t step up to the plate ( it’s been a year ) He only knows us as his family. I’m lost on what to do if we do loss him. How do I prepare myself and stay strong for my own 3 Children and my sweet baby that knows me as his Mama??? When I got him he was a emotional lost baby w/ no love in his eyes now he is FILLED with love and happiness. I know she’s his mom and she will have her own way of love. But it’s going to be a COMPLETE different life for him. The thought of him going to singing the Wheels on Bus in our car to rap music blaring makes me honestly sick. I’m trying so hard to be understanding and writing everything I can down just in case the Judge lets her have this chance after a year. But dang it’s unbearable pain!!! He sees her only on Face Time ( she lives in Nebraska and we live in Alabama ) she doesn’t say much when she does Call I do most of the interaction. So he would be basically going to a Face he sees on a phone every maybe 2 weeks for about 10 mins. Our next court date is Jan 11th. Any words would be wonderful! Sincerely, Catherine
Hi Catherine,
Sweet lady, my heart is hurting for you and the massive unknown you are facing. One of the hardest aspects of this kind of situation is the lack of control! We love these babies so deeply, yet have such little say when it comes to their future. My mantra during our process became, “I don’t trust the system, I trust the Sovereign.” I praying with you for this little guy, praying God would go before and move mountains on his behalf. I’ve seen it happen before – the way God swoops in at the last minute and changes everything. Few things in my life have ever cost me so much as loving a little one like the one you are holding close. Few things have ever taught me more about God, too. I’m behind you, with you. Please keep me updated. My email address is bethlaw98@gamil.com.